Broken

Trust is something very delicate. Once it's broken, it's very hard for it to be the same. Just like I read somewhere, you take a new sheet of paper. It's nice and crisp, there are no dents at all. What you do next is crumple it up, step on it, spit on it, even rip it if you want. You'll end up with something very damaged. Once you're done damaging it, try to get it to its beginning state. You won't be able to, you can tape it back together, flatten it in between books, even iron it; it won't be the same.

When you trust someone with your entire heart, you become that brand new sheet of paper. It doesn't matter what that person tells you, they have your full trust. They can tell you the most mediocre things and you will believe them. You will even bet your life on whatever it is they say. Because you believe that they have no reason to be lying to you. You don't even think that person has a reason to hurt you. Why would they hurt you? They have no reason!

The moment you find out that the person you have trusted with all your heart has been lying to you, or has lied to you, you fall apart. Just like that sheet of paper, the moment you find out the lies, your trust gets crumpled, spit on, stepped on, to the point where it's so damaged, it doesn't seem that you could put it back together again. It's pretty much the worst feeling in the world. Some handle it better than others, we are after all very different. But most of us are so hurt all we can do is cry about it.

Once the damage is done, it's done.It doesn't end there though. That person who hurt you has pretty much ruined you. You will meet new people and there people can be the most trustworthy people on earth but since you're already so damaged you can't come around to trusting them. Eventually someone will come along that will slowly be able to restore some of your trust. You will be able to slightly trust but you will still have those scars that will remind you that you have to be careful.

Be careful who you trust. I know I made that mistake many times. Even "godly" people have played with my trust. Right now someone is repairing some of the damage and I really hope I'm not wrong about this person but so far so good :)

God Bless.
-Just a Girl

Confessions

It's been a while since I've posted anything here and I think it's time I entertain you once again, lol. It's funny, you live a long time in the same routine, "doing good" in the eyes of everybody, but deep inside you become lost. I haven't really opened up about this, just to some people, but I feel it might help me if I open up now.

I only realized this recently and I feel it's the reason why my life has gone down the road it's on now. Everything I ever did when I was younger was to please everyone around me. When I was 16 I decided to give my life to God and that was about the only thing I did that was sincere and came from me. When that happened I started to observe how a "person of God" would behave and how they would spend their day. I started to mimic them but soon found myself in a routine. There were people that I looked up to. I would spend my days in church because I liked it when they would tell me how proud of me they were. That's when I only did things that they would be happy I did. I started to become obsessed with pleasing them, I even started calling them mom and dad.

Years later I found myself in a routine. Going to church, wearing a uniform, having a title, attending weekly meetings, staying late at church, repeat. I was only going through the motions. Inside I wasn't even feeling spiritual anymore but because everyone saw the appearance I showed them, no one would tell me anything. I continued the fake appearance so everyone would get off my back. Up until one day in January 2014.

Everyone knows my love for Royce, Ive been supporting him since back in the day when he was semi-famous and my support continues because it's basically my choice. Apparently getting chosen to go onstage with him for him to sing me a song and show me love was giving a bad example. Well hey, I get it, it's ok to tell me what I can't be doing with the title I had in church. What I DO NOT agree with is the way the situation was handled. A certain pastor, who was in charge of the church I attend at the moment, decided it was ok to call an emergency meeting where everyone had to be there. In this meeting he decided to completely humiliate me by telling me what I did wrong in front of everyone. He made me look like a terrible person. When the meeting was over he excused everyone and made me stay behind so that he could speak in person (which he should've done in the first place) I am NEVER going to forget the way everone left that room that day. They got up, went straight to the door. No one looked back, no one said bye. All but one person and honestly her "Goodnight Gina" meant so much to me at that moment and still means so much to me now. After that everyone avoided me. They didn't even turn to look at me and it only made my next move easier.

After that meeting I had been benched and was there basically till I could prove I had learned my lesson and become spiritual again. I DIDN'T EVEN TRY. I got tired of faking it. I could have easily faked it like I see so many people do now. People who make themselves look so Godly but at home can't even humble themselves down and stop ignoring their own sibling, people who look so holy and Godly at church but live a completely different life at home. I made the most meaningful decision of my life and that was to just start all over again, this time for real. Not to please anyone because the people who I had been pleasing before had already let me down and left my life like I meant absolutely nothing. That's what I did and up until this day I am treated like a criminal. I've had people start rumors that I'm going out every night to drink and smoke marijuana, I've heard constant rumors about me having a boyfriend. I've had an assistant come up to me and say "You need to stop living your life in sin and come back" and I've had constant judgmental remarks telling me to "Stop sinning." I was an assistant for 5 years and can tell you that is completely wrong. why would you throw something like that in someones face? I can easily get that person in trouble but I honestly don't care. One day they'll get me in a bad mood and I'll put them in their place. The bad part is the fact that I've thought so many times of not going to church just to avoid judgmental remarks, but I always convince myself to go because I know I NEED GOD and I don't go to see anyone but to talk to God and get help.

That's my struggle right now but like I said, I brought this on myself. What I would advice everyone to do is to do things because YOU want to, not because you see everyone else doing it. Don't do anything to please a pastor or his wife, or even an assistant. It's not the right way to go, trust me.