Broken

Trust is something very delicate. Once it's broken, it's very hard for it to be the same. Just like I read somewhere, you take a new sheet of paper. It's nice and crisp, there are no dents at all. What you do next is crumple it up, step on it, spit on it, even rip it if you want. You'll end up with something very damaged. Once you're done damaging it, try to get it to its beginning state. You won't be able to, you can tape it back together, flatten it in between books, even iron it; it won't be the same.

When you trust someone with your entire heart, you become that brand new sheet of paper. It doesn't matter what that person tells you, they have your full trust. They can tell you the most mediocre things and you will believe them. You will even bet your life on whatever it is they say. Because you believe that they have no reason to be lying to you. You don't even think that person has a reason to hurt you. Why would they hurt you? They have no reason!

The moment you find out that the person you have trusted with all your heart has been lying to you, or has lied to you, you fall apart. Just like that sheet of paper, the moment you find out the lies, your trust gets crumpled, spit on, stepped on, to the point where it's so damaged, it doesn't seem that you could put it back together again. It's pretty much the worst feeling in the world. Some handle it better than others, we are after all very different. But most of us are so hurt all we can do is cry about it.

Once the damage is done, it's done.It doesn't end there though. That person who hurt you has pretty much ruined you. You will meet new people and there people can be the most trustworthy people on earth but since you're already so damaged you can't come around to trusting them. Eventually someone will come along that will slowly be able to restore some of your trust. You will be able to slightly trust but you will still have those scars that will remind you that you have to be careful.

Be careful who you trust. I know I made that mistake many times. Even "godly" people have played with my trust. Right now someone is repairing some of the damage and I really hope I'm not wrong about this person but so far so good :)

God Bless.
-Just a Girl

Confessions

It's been a while since I've posted anything here and I think it's time I entertain you once again, lol. It's funny, you live a long time in the same routine, "doing good" in the eyes of everybody, but deep inside you become lost. I haven't really opened up about this, just to some people, but I feel it might help me if I open up now.

I only realized this recently and I feel it's the reason why my life has gone down the road it's on now. Everything I ever did when I was younger was to please everyone around me. When I was 16 I decided to give my life to God and that was about the only thing I did that was sincere and came from me. When that happened I started to observe how a "person of God" would behave and how they would spend their day. I started to mimic them but soon found myself in a routine. There were people that I looked up to. I would spend my days in church because I liked it when they would tell me how proud of me they were. That's when I only did things that they would be happy I did. I started to become obsessed with pleasing them, I even started calling them mom and dad.

Years later I found myself in a routine. Going to church, wearing a uniform, having a title, attending weekly meetings, staying late at church, repeat. I was only going through the motions. Inside I wasn't even feeling spiritual anymore but because everyone saw the appearance I showed them, no one would tell me anything. I continued the fake appearance so everyone would get off my back. Up until one day in January 2014.

Everyone knows my love for Royce, Ive been supporting him since back in the day when he was semi-famous and my support continues because it's basically my choice. Apparently getting chosen to go onstage with him for him to sing me a song and show me love was giving a bad example. Well hey, I get it, it's ok to tell me what I can't be doing with the title I had in church. What I DO NOT agree with is the way the situation was handled. A certain pastor, who was in charge of the church I attend at the moment, decided it was ok to call an emergency meeting where everyone had to be there. In this meeting he decided to completely humiliate me by telling me what I did wrong in front of everyone. He made me look like a terrible person. When the meeting was over he excused everyone and made me stay behind so that he could speak in person (which he should've done in the first place) I am NEVER going to forget the way everone left that room that day. They got up, went straight to the door. No one looked back, no one said bye. All but one person and honestly her "Goodnight Gina" meant so much to me at that moment and still means so much to me now. After that everyone avoided me. They didn't even turn to look at me and it only made my next move easier.

After that meeting I had been benched and was there basically till I could prove I had learned my lesson and become spiritual again. I DIDN'T EVEN TRY. I got tired of faking it. I could have easily faked it like I see so many people do now. People who make themselves look so Godly but at home can't even humble themselves down and stop ignoring their own sibling, people who look so holy and Godly at church but live a completely different life at home. I made the most meaningful decision of my life and that was to just start all over again, this time for real. Not to please anyone because the people who I had been pleasing before had already let me down and left my life like I meant absolutely nothing. That's what I did and up until this day I am treated like a criminal. I've had people start rumors that I'm going out every night to drink and smoke marijuana, I've heard constant rumors about me having a boyfriend. I've had an assistant come up to me and say "You need to stop living your life in sin and come back" and I've had constant judgmental remarks telling me to "Stop sinning." I was an assistant for 5 years and can tell you that is completely wrong. why would you throw something like that in someones face? I can easily get that person in trouble but I honestly don't care. One day they'll get me in a bad mood and I'll put them in their place. The bad part is the fact that I've thought so many times of not going to church just to avoid judgmental remarks, but I always convince myself to go because I know I NEED GOD and I don't go to see anyone but to talk to God and get help.

That's my struggle right now but like I said, I brought this on myself. What I would advice everyone to do is to do things because YOU want to, not because you see everyone else doing it. Don't do anything to please a pastor or his wife, or even an assistant. It's not the right way to go, trust me.

Still, I give thanks.

It's been over a year since I've posted here. Reading my old posts makes me sad but at the same time it makes me happy. These past two years I've been through so much, so much has changed. We all go through it, we feel as if nothing has changed but we look back and see a completely different person. For me it's been some good changes, some bad changes.

It kinda sucks when you don't trust anyone anymore, especially when you don't trust the people in the ONLY place you can actually get help. These past 2 years people have done me wrong on so many levels. There's been people who back stabbed me, who shattered my trust, who have walked out of my life like I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. But you know what? It's ok. I am THANKFUL. I am thankful for those who lied to me, because I now know who you really are. I am thankful for those who walked out of my life because it stopped me from wasting my time at trying to give them my affection. I am thankful for everything.

The good change is the way I think. I'm learning to love myself. It's taking so much effort but I think, slowly, I'm getting there. I'm looking ahead to the future, trying to live a better, longer, happier, healthier life. I'm glad I decided to make this change because it has helped me so much already. I am thankful that I have met all those wonderful people that have led me to this healthier path. I am thankful for all those friends who have remained by my side, no matter what, those who have been there for me like family. I am thankful for my family, who may not always agree with what I do or say but they're still there. I am also thankful for my ROYCEFAMILY, my roycesisters may be from all over the world but we share a love for Royce that no one else would understand. My roycesisiters are some of the sweetest people I know, we stick together, and help each other out when possible. My love for them grows daily. But Most of all, I am thankful for God, in the end He's truly the only one that can help me and the only one who knows me truly, and still remains by my side.

 I am thankful for life, from a different perspective, but I am still thankful. <3

-Just a Girl <3

I'll be back soon

Sorry for not posting the last few days. I haven't had much internet access. I have been currently spending the last few days in a hospital waiting room. Its a family emergency so I'll be back as soon as I can.

-Just a Girl

Fast of Daniel-Day 2

Today was still difficult but easier than yesterday. It was my day off, I was home all day because my car was at the shop getting fixed. Something I noticed was that was different was my day with my mom. The usual on my day off, I spend breakfast with her, we talk, then I head to my room, clean and stay on facebook, twitter, or tumblr the majority of the day, while she's outside on her tablet playing candy crush, or she's cleaning the back yard, or she finds something to sow, either way she stays busy. Today was different. I got up super late today so I didn't have breakfast with her. I did however spend the entire day with her, we talked about alot. She told me about her past, before she met my dad. She told me about how much she suffered for making poor choices. It was pretty amazing that she shared all of this with me. We had lunch together and we continued talking all the way till my dad got home from work. It was nice to spend the entire day with her and the rest of the evening with my family. We watched the mini series about the bible story Joseph (Jose do Egito) It's in Portuguese but we understand Portuguese. :)  Overall it was a good day.
The message for today on Bishop Macedo's blog was about complete surrender. Surrendering one's life completely means to let go of everything. By letting go of everything we make oursleves available for God to honor us.

God is giving me strength to get through these 21 days. I am feeling amazing and God keeps surprising me. God bless you all! <3

-Just A Girl-Gina A.

Fast of Daniel-Day 1

Wow what a day! Just as I figured it was difficult! I woke up for work at about 9am and first thing I do every morning is check my phone for new notifications. Well guess what? NO NEW NOTIFICATIONS. Basically I slapped my forehead and said "Duh, Gina!" lol I prayed and asked God for strength on the beginning of this journey because I know it'll be difficult. Work was ok, mostly everyone knows about this sacrifice I am doing and respect it. I felt great during the day, my mind was pretty clear, a few times I would take my phone out, unlock it, navigate through my remaining apps(I deleted the tempting ones), then lock it again. I was almost in tears when one of my co-workers (didn't know about the 21 days) started playing music for us. The first song was my absolute favorite, "Darte un Beso" by Prince Royce. I had to walk away, stand in the drive-thru and basically zone it out. (I don't want to force people to do this sacrifice with me, It's my choice and if they want to listen to music, they can) The rest of work was fine, I remained busy and even read my bible (on the bible app) on my break. God gave me so much strength today. After work I went to zumba (again had to zone out the music) but I just focused on my steps.. 1..2.. left ..right.. oh snap I went the wrong way! lol after zumba I headed to church and directed the play we're working on "A Letter From Hell" then came home, read bishops message, Prayed, and now I'm here.
Today's message from Bishop Macedo's Blog was about obedience. It most absoulutely makes sense. If I want to recieve the Holy Spirit, or be renewed/revived, I must obey. Obey what? Obey God's word. Leave sin, run away from it, and meanwhile on the run away from sin, find Jesus. It's pretty clear to me. Still I ask God for strength to continue on this Journey, to not let me fall, because temptation lies evverywhere.


-Just a Girl :)

The Mistake of Underestimating

I think the worst mistake people can make in regards to me is to underestimate me. It's pretty easy to do that actually.
Do this: think of the first time you saw me or if you haven't met me go according to my posts. If you think real hard you'll have the same outcome as when you see most people for the first time. I seem shy. Don't get me wrong I am, but to a certain extent. That doesn't mean I will always be or that I wont dare to do anything crazy. You would be behaving pretty cliche by "Judging a book by it's cover" if you thought that way. People like my family and really close friends will definitely agree that I am "something else". I get pretty weird. But not just that, I will dare to do what others wont. If I see something wrong in a situation, when most people would stay out of it or step back and wait it out, I wont. I will do something to try and fix the outcome. If something is not fair, I will speak out. If there is a famous person close to me, I will get them to notice me. If someone seems like they need help, i will help them. Even if deep deep inside I am scared beyond anything, I WILL DO SOMETHING.
When someone treats me wrong and thinks I'm just going to cross my arms and let them, they are proved wrong. When I see a well known pastor or bishop, when others just stare from far away and wish they'd get noticed, I go up to them and introduce myself. When I see Prince Royce backstage, I make him remember me. I will do things that others wont even dare think about. I guess what I'm saying is don't ever underestimate anyone. Don't think that you can have control over them. If you are the predictable type (that will not dare do anything crazy) try it out! Just don't make a fool out of yourself. Be smart about it. You wont regret it.

"If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God" - 2 Corinthians 5:13




Just a Girl ;)

The Refiners Touch

There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi.  As they were studying chapter three they came across verse three which says, "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week the woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that, in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot - then she thought again about the verse, that He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. For if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"  He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's the easy part -- when I see my image reflected in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep His hand on you and watch over you until He sees His image in you.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Birthday Reflection

Everyday is a blessing. Two days ago I celebrated 22 years of life (August 11th). It's amazing what can happen in one year, let alone 22 years. Just 10 years ago I was suicidal, depressed, and angry at the world. 10 years later I am delivered, blessed and baptized with the Holy spirit. My life has been a roller-coaster with a lot of ups and many downs yet I'm still on the ride. This weekend I was looking back at everything and I couldn't help but smile. Everything I've been through has only made me stronger, and believe it or not happier. If I hadn't gone through my life exactly how it happened, I wouldn't be how I am today. It's crazy, everything fell into place like a puzzle. The Holy Spirit makes me see everything differently. A way that not everyone can see, I can distinguish what I will benefit from and what will only bring me down. I can make the right decision with the help of the Holy Spirit. But I am just so thankful for my life, you have  no idea. I can't even explain really. This birthday I wasn't expecting much. Just the usual birthday wishes. I actually just had such an amazing time, everyone seemed to remember. I got surprised with a birthday cake at church and it was just an amazing feeling with people who share the same faith and love you for who you are. Overall I had a blessed birthday and I love all the people who are still in my life: My birth parents and my 2nd parents, my BFF Laura, my buddy Carlos, my pastor & his wife, my sisters (of blood & of faith), my brothers, and every single one of my friends.